Funny Bitches: Girlie Gamer

A column for gamers who are girlie, but not necessarily girls.

All I really need to know I learned from my console

by Melinda Whitehouse,
Gamer Bitch

9/13/05

Despite the millions of games available in widely varying genres and subgenres, when you get down to the nitty gritty, playing video games has some surprisingly universal guidelines. Here is everything I have learned in my long and oh-so-sordid career as a Girlie Gamer.

Lava only hurts the second time you touch it.
Chickens are deadly.
All snowmen should be smashed.
Rats are dog-sized.
Monkeys are plentiful.
Everyone loves presents.
If the choice is between the really strong armor or the really big weapon, go for the weapon. You know you want it.
Blue is for magic, red is for health, and green means horny.
Sniper shots are wicked easy.
Making friends with semi-retarded farmers and cranky townspeople is wicked hard.
Sidekicks crack wise.
Girls have boobs.
Poop jokes are funny.
It doesn't matter that you've been playing so long that your high Galaga score is on display at an arcade museum in central New Jersey, you can still get your ass beat (and beat hard) by a ten-year-old candy-munching Pokemon addict. Ha ha! You got schooled by a grade-schooler!

Special guest Bitch Bro has these lessons to add:

Villagers don't mind if you walk into their homes in the middle of dinner and pilfer the contents of that chest in the corner.
Monkeys are not only plentiful, but evil.
Just you, a handful of guns, and tons of ammo against several thousand pissed-off and heavily armed beasties? Excellent odds!
Your AI-controlled squadmates possess the intellect of a tub of Play-Doh.
The cuter the critter, the more fun it is to watch it die.
If the first thing you see when you enter a new level is assloads of ammo, you REALLY don't want to open that door.

Girlie Gamer #3: Geek Love: When Girly Gamer Meets Frag Master
Girlie Gamer #2: Change that stupid-ass gamer name.
Girlie Gamer #1: Whiplash and Harvest Moon.